Lesson 3 – Positive Discipline Techniques

Lesson 3 – Positive Discipline Techniques

What is Positive Discipline?

Positive discipline focuses on the positive aspects of behaviour based on the belief that “There is no bad child, just good and bad behaviours”. Good behaviour can be taught and reinforced while weaning the bad behaviour without hurting the child verbally or physically. This does not mean that parents, adults and other adults are ignoring problems but instead involved in helping children learn to handle situations more appropriately while remaining calm, friendly and respectful to the children themselves.

Principles of Positive Discipline Techniques

The positive discipline techniques discussed later is based on several principles. These principles  should be kept in mind when parents, teachers and other adults adopt the techniques.

1. Creating Clear Rules

It is most important that parents, teachers and other adults draw up clear rules that children should follow. It is best that the rules are drawn up together with the child rather than imposed ‘top down’. This makes the children responsible for following the rules which they themselves were involved in creating. The rules should be implemented in a kind but firm manner while preserving the trust and mutual respect between the adult and the child (Jane Nelsen, 2006).

2. Recognising Unmet Needs of Children

Positive discipline is based on the belief that children misbehave because their need has not been met. These unmet needs will vary depending on their age. So, when dealing with misbehaviour, parents, teachers and other adults should focus on the unmet needs rather than the behaviour itself which can have better results.

3. Understand the Meaning of the Misbehaviour

Inappropriate behaviour can be a child’s way of getting attention. Children do not act without a valid reason. It should be kept in mind that children are trying to do their best. When the behaviour is understood, the cause can be removed and no further outbursts will come from the child (Morin, 2019).

4. Intrinsic Motivation

Positive discipline is based on the principle of ‘intrinsic motivation’ in which the child demonstrates good behaviours because he or she is internally driven. In other words, the child behaves appropriately, not because of fear of punishment or wanting a reward but rather because he or she want to feel good about himself or herself.

Positive Discipline Techniques That Can Be Adopted By Adults

1. Connect with the Child

Positive discipline is talking and making the child realise or think about his or her actions.

# 1 – The parent or teacher sees that a child is about to hit another child. Instead of saying “Don’t hit”, the you could say “Use words” or “Ask nicely”.  When you say “Don’t hit”, you do not give information of what he or she should do instead and instead proceeds with the original plan to hit.

# 2 – The parent or teacher who sees a child actually hit another child. You could say,  “That was not a good choice, we don’t hit our friends”. “Do you want to say sorry and make Zak feel better?”. Sometimes the child may need some time and while waiting you could get the child to do something else.

# 3 – The child who hits another child may argue, “He didn’t allow be to play with the toy”. Instead of arguing back, you should stay calm and repeat in a kind manner but very firmly. “Hitting hurts, we do not hit our friends” and continue “We do not hit someone even if they don’t share”.

# 4 – You could repeat by empathising with the child by saying, “I know you really want the toy but hitting is not the right choice”. Empathising may help the child realise what he or she did is not the right thing to do.

2. Use Praise

Praise is a simple and powerful discipline strategy. Praise can encourage a variety of good behaviours. Oftentimes we hear that some Asian cultures use ‘praise’ rather sparingly. Praising a child who exhibits good behaviours and follows the rules has an effect on other children. A child who misbehaves and watches another child being praised such as “I like the way you are playing with the blocks with Mei Ling and Zak”, may motivate the misbehaving child to follow suit. When a child is praised for good behaviour, there is likelihood that he or she will not misbehave. The following are some tips on praise:

1. Make praise specific – Instead of saying, “You are a nice boy”, say “It was nice of you to share your crayons with the other children”. This will indicate to the child what exactly he did that that won the praise of the teacher.

2. Praise the effort not the results – Instead of saying, “Wow you got all As”, say “I am happy you have been working very hard”.  By praising the effort, the parent or teacher is telling the child that hard work is more valuable than getting good grades.

3. Praise the ability to learn from mistake – A child who earlier often pulled the hair of girls in the class suddenly stops doing so. “Good that you are no longer are pulling the girls hair and have learned that it was a mistake to do so”. Reminding the child that he learned from past mistakes can help her realise that mistakes offer a learning opportunity.

(1) Power of Praise by Smarter Parenting

(2) How to Praise Children Effectively by Dr. Pamela varady

3. Timeout

Time-out is a disciplinary technique has been used by parents, teachers and other adults. However, it has been suggested it should be used for children from 2 years onwards and like any other behaviour management technique, it must be used correctly (Nielson and Shea, 2016). For example, it must be used unemotionally and consistently every time the child misbehaves. Adults using the technique should take into consideration ‘what the child does during the time-out, how time-out is terminated and what the adult does when it is over” (p.14).

(1) Using Time-Out by the Center for Disease Control

(2) Tools for Time-Out by Central Oregon Pediatric Assocaites

4. Natural Consequences

Natural consequences means that when a child demonstrates a certain behaviour, he or she can expect a certain result. Natural consequences can help children understand that they must take responsibility for their actions. For example, the 6 year is told that if he leaves his bike outside, it will start to rust or even stolen. This is an opportunity to teach him about natural consequences and gain a sense of ’cause and effect’ and self-responsibility. The child also learns that he or she has a choice and the outcome of the choice. “If you do this, this is likely to happen and If you do not do it, this will likely happen”.

However, the ‘consequence’ of an action should be appropriate for the child and he or she must learn from their mistake. For example, a child who takes a long time to get ready to go the park will have less time to play at the park.

Also, the ‘consequences’ should be consistent. Many parents get in the habit of making exceptions or allowing behaviors to slide without consequences. Children need to know what is expected and will follow through on consequences and that they cannot weasel their way out. Adults should show them that parents and teachers mean business by enforcing consequences each time they act out.

Don’t be surprised if your child has an excuse or can explain away their behavior. Be clear in saying, “You broke a rule, so that means you get a consequence”. If you have multiple children (or children from mixed homes), it’s especially important to be consistent with each child. Otherwise, they might feel as if you’re treating them unfairly.

(1) Using Discipline and Consequences

(2) Discipline and Consequences with Dr. Rene Hackney

5. Express Empathy and Love

When parents or teachers are disciplining children, always emphasise that you’re acting out of love. Let the child know that you care for him or her by saying something like, “I know you want to walk downstairs, but it is not safe for you to go there yet.” Give children a hug and kiss to show that the limits you set are there for their own safety and welfare.

Understanding that most of the trouble children get into is the result of his or her being naturally curious, not bad or willfully misbehaving. Understanding children’s mental development will help you see the world from their child’s eyes a bit more, and inspire you to treat children with greater empathy. Don’t be afraid to say “no.” You’re the parent or teacher and must govern their behavior.

6. Redirect and Distract Behaviour

Generally, children less than 4 years of age do not understand “No” because it is an abstract concept. The child may know the adult does not want him or her to do something. What exactly that is not to be done is not clearly understood. For example, a toddler rushes towards a lap top on the table, and immediate reaction of adults is to say, ‘No’ or perhaps even hit the child’s hands as he reaches out to touch the keyboard. Perhaps a better technique would be ‘redirection’ which is intended to guide the child’s behaviour from an inappropriate to an appropriate behaviour. However, you should explain to the child what is it you don’t want him or her to do. Redirection works well with toddlers and sometimes older children.

(1) Redirecting Behaviour by ACF

(2) How to Redirect Your Child’s Behaviour by Allison Latona

7. I-Message 

An I-Message is a technique for teaching children how to express feelings effectively and accurately. It is a technique that gets the child to connect feelings with behaviour and to change his or her behaviour. There are THREE components to the I-Message Technique:

1. Teacher tells the child about the behaviour in a non-blaming manner

2. Teachers state the possible effect of the behaviour

3. Teacher tells the child how the behaviour makes her feel (Gordon, 1977).

Adult to Child – It scares me when I see you standing and balancing on the chair because you could fall and get hurt”.

1) It scares me – Adult’s feelings

2) When I see balancing on the chair – What’s happening

3) Because it’s not strong and you could fall and get hurt – The reason

Adult to Child – I see you throwing blocks at other children

1) To see kids throwing hard toys – What’s happening

2) Because Sheela could be hurt – The reason

3) It frightens me – Your feelings

Teacher should state the I-Message in a positive, neutral voice while making eye contact, and with a sense of expectation. If the child is in danger or destroying something, remove him or her physically from the situation as you talk. Give the child time to respond and if does not bring about a change in behaviour do it again but more firmly.

[source: Eleanor Reynolds is the editor of The Best of the Problem-Solver: Articles for Parents and Teachers and the author of Guiding Young Children: A Problem-Solving Approach]

7 Tips to Deal with a Naughty Child by Bright Side

Japanese Parenting Rules all Kids Need by Bright Side. Comment on what you see in the video

Kendra, C. What is intrinsic motivation? About.com. Retrieved 5 April, 2019

Morin, A. The difference between punishment and discipline. About.com. Retrieved 4 April, 2019.

Nieman, P, and Shea, S. (2004). Effective discipline for children. Paediatrics & Child Health. 9(1): 37-41.

Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive discipline. New York: Ballantine Books.