Lesson 1 – Research on Children Making Friends

Children and Friends Lesson 1 – Research on Children Making Friends

“I do not have friends”
“Nobody wants to play with me”
“Don’t friend her”
“He does not want to talk to me”

“Nobody wants to be my friends”
“I do not have a best friend”
‘He does not want to share’

The above are some statements made by children finding it hard to make friends. It breaks the heart of parents to hear these statements. Parents know how cruel children can be. Should parents and teachers be concerned about children struggling to make friends or should they leave it be? Perhaps they will be okay as they get older. Or should parents and teachers take steps in helping children make friends. What do you think?

What is Friendship?

Research on friendship has been going on since the 1940s. Friendship is about children liking one another and like to spend time together. For children, making friends is a vital part of growing up. Making friends enhances the social, emotional, cognitive and communicative competencies of children. Friendship benefits children by creating a sense of belonging and helping them to adjust to life. Children spend a lot of time daily interacting with other children whether it be at the playground, childcare, nursery or kindergarten. In the early stages of life, children spend their time with their parents and their siblings (if they are any). As they get older, parents are not around to supervise them and they have to manage and build relationships on their own. However, it is not easy for all children to know how to make friends and manage friendship because it involves a number of skills children need to learn and develop.

Some children are ‘popular’ and are most liked by other children. Some children are ‘rejected’ and are least disliked by other children. Some children are ‘neglected‘ and are often ignored by other children. Some children are ‘average‘ and as the name suggests are not in demand by other children as popular children are, nor are they as unpopular as rejected children can be (Carter and Nutbrown, 2016).

Developmental Stages of Friendship

Dunn (2004) argues that features and significance of friendship varies according to the stage of a child’s development. In the first few weeks of life, an infant shows preference for the sight of a human face over any other object. It is innate for a baby to be “friendly”. nd making friends.

Observe how a 2 month old baby eagerly smiles when meeting other people and when you smile he or she will smile back. For the child, the world is a friendly and happy place (Ramey and Ramey, 1999). This interaction instills in the infant a sense of trust which is essential for getting along with others and making friends.

Toddlers (aged 1-2 years) generally play with the other children around them. Many of the child’s playmates will be children of people they know such as the family, relatives, friends of their parents meet at the playground or playgroups. Some toddlers are naturally more sociable and readily interact with other children while others are more comfortable playing with one or or two other children. Children in this age group can show preferences for some children over others. For example, an infant understandings caring behaviours and can react when another infant is in distress. It is important that parents and caregivers are gentle and responsive to infants and toddlers, and their needs are quickly met so that they learn to trust the world and want to be part of it.

Children at about 3 to 4 years of age are beginning to be regularly involved in activities with other children in childcare, nursery or playgroup. It is likely that at this stage, the concept of ‘a friend’ begins to evolve when they are able to name their friend. When they arrive at childcare or nursery they may look out for their friend or friends. However, because of limited communication skills, friendship at this age tends to more fleeting or momentary. Research indicates that generally children tend to be friends with children whom they perceive as somehow similar to them. For example, children are more likely to be friends with children who are of the same age and gender.

Some children seem to make friends easily and enjoy being with other children while other children may be slow to warm up. Not to worry! They are more cautious and need time to join other children. Adults should not force children to make friends! There is nothing unusual about a child choosing to engage in parallel play, i.e. playing alongside rather than playing with.

Famous psychologist, Jean Piaget describes the child as being ‘egocentric’ in which he or she see things from his or her perspective only. Slowly, the 4 year old will learn to see things from another’s perspective which is the prerequisite for making friends.

Children at 5 to 6 years are genuinely curious about others and experiment with friendship. They have a desire to belong, either to a small group of children or that one special friend. The concept of a ‘best friend’ evolves and at this stage, children are seeking a sense of identity within their group of friends. They enjoy pretend play (playing house or super heroes), board games and active games. Some children like ‘rough-and-tumble’ games while others enjoy doing crafts together. Children may prefer children of the same gender and may over others. This is also the age at which cliques and bullying behaviour begin to emerge.

Children at 6 to 9 years understand the concept of ‘reciprocity’ in order to main friendships, i.e. one must give something to get something in return. They realise that friends can be relied upon for assistance and friends lend you items you need. Friendship shift to greater emphasis on loyalty and having someone to confide in (Doherty and Hughes, 2009).Children at this age also recognise that friends may or may not share similar interest. Children who are friendly or complementary are highly regarded by others. They are also aware of the impact of their actions or comments on another child’s physical or emotional states. The concept of a ‘best friend’ is more common around this age group.

Watch this video on ‘Kids Explaining Friendship’

Watch this video clip on ‘Kids Tell What They Do With Friends’

Watch this video clip on ‘Best Friends’

Principles Underlying Friendship in Children

The following are some research findings about children making friends:

Saying ‘Hi’

Just saying ‘Hi’ or any other greeting is a great way to make friends. A child who makes eye contact, smiles and says the name of another child makes the greeting more personal. Shy children often find it difficult and awkward to say ‘Hi’ and tend to look away, not saying anything.

Showing Kindness

Children who show kindness are well-liked by other children. For example, a child who shares his crayons or toy is a best way to begin a friendship. However, some children may ‘buy friends’ by giving money or something valuable thinking that they are being kind. Sometimes a child may take what is offered but yet not want to make friends with the child.

Similarity

Generally, children tend to make friends with children who enjoy the same activities they do because they feel more comfortable. For example, a child could be asked what is it they have in common with another child. However, it does not mean that the child should be a ‘clone’ of another child or that a child cannot make friends with someone who has different interests or from a different background. What is more important is knowing that friendship begins with making’connection‘ (Kennedy-More, 2011).

Having Fun

When a child “hits it off” with another child, it is likely they will be friends. It is having fun with another child and the bond is sustained during play. In other words, to have fun with another child, a child has to behave in ways that the other child enjoys, able to communicate likes and dislikes, and avoid or resolve any disagreements. However, things will go wrong if the ignores, walks away, refuses to share, snatches toys away from the other child, bossing the other child around, yelling at or hitting the other child. All the above actions interfere with shared fun (Gottman & Graziano, 1983).

Model Positive Behaviour

Adults should be aware that children learn by observing how adults interact with others. For example, how adults adults strike up conversations with friends or neighbours, or how they talk to the salesperson at the shops or supermarket is closely observed by children. The child is watching how adults talk, behave and solve problems with other adults and it becomes a learning opportunity.

Adults Should Be Realistic

Adults should be sensitive about children’s unique personality and temperament and their struggle with making friends. Just because an adult has lots of friends, it does not mean that the child will also have lots of friends. Some children make a few really good friends and they are happy. It is tough for adults to accept that a child does not meet up up to their standards. As long as children are doing things they want to do and are happy and well adjusted, that is good enough.

Learning and Attention Issues

Some children have difficulty making friends not because of their personality or temperament. Rather it may be the result of learning and attention issues which affects their social skills, communication and listening comprehension skills which can make conversation difficult and making friends difficult.

1) Children with ADHD may lack self-control, be overactive, talk too much, talk without thinking or not pay attention to what other children are saying.

2) Children with executive functioning issues may have trouble sharing, taking turns, controlling emotions and accepting other viewpoints.

3) Children with nonverbal learning disabilities may miss social cues, like body language, expression and tone of voice.

4) Children with language disorders may not understand the rules of conversation or may have trouble finding the right words. They may avoid talking when around other children.

5) Children with auditory processing disorder may miss the point of what others are saying, miss words in conversation or have trouble following directions in games (source: The Understood Team, Understood.org).

REFERENCES:

Carter, C. and Nutbrown, C. (2016) A Pedagogy of Friendship: young children’s friendships and how schools can support them. International Journal of Early Years Education. pp. 1-19

Gifford-Smith, M. E. & Brownell, C. A. (2002). Childhood peer relationships: social acceptance, friendships, and peer networks. Journal of School Psychology, 41, 235-284.

Haselager, G. J. T., Hartup, W. W., van Lieshout, C. F. M., & Riksen-Walraven, J. M. A. (1998). Similarities between friends and nonfriends in middle childhood. Child Development. 69, 11 98-1208.

Ramey, C.T. & Ramey, S.L. (1999). Right from Birth: Building Your Child’s Foundation for Life. New York: Goddard Press.

Selman, R. L. (1981). The child as friendship philosopher. In S. R. Asher, and J. M. Gottman (Eds.), The Development of Children’s Friendships. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press (pp.242-272).

Mahzad Hojjat and Anne Moyer (2016). The Psychology of Friendship. London: Oxford Scholarship Online.

Kennedy-More, E. (2011). How Children Make Friends. Psychology Today

Gottman J. & Graziano, W. (1983). How Children Become Friends. Monographs of the Society for Research in Children Development. vol. 48 (3). 1-86